Women attraction towards men is complex, unstable and self deceptive

This article is not about all women on the planet. My observation does not claim that kind of universality. It is limited, specific, and rooted in a particular slice of reality.

The focus here is on women between the ages of 18 to 50, from middle-income backgrounds, who have grown up with a sense of equality, access to education, and freedom of choice in life. They are articulate, socially exposed, and capable of engaging openly in conversations about relationships, preferences, and personal decisions.

Geographically, these observations are grounded in the Indian context—primarily urban and semi-urban environments, where traditional structures and modern values coexist and often collide. Within this defined group, however, the patterns appear consistent enough that I am confident in their broader applicability.

Lets start with few clarifications, Attraction is simply desire—the pull to be with someone. When it becomes deep, it can turn obsessive and possessive. It becomes complex when driven by multiple factors—emotions, social influence, status, insecurity, timing. With too many variables, the real reason behind attraction becomes unclear.

And what is complex is often unstable—because these factors don’t align, and often contradict each other. That’s where self-deception begins: believing one reason, while being driven by another.

Between Age 18 to 30

We regularly observe when young women find someone as a partner—school or college—it often begins as an instant crush. It escalates quickly into a relationship, mostly within the same age group, driven by physical beauty and emotional triggers. There is almost no thinking about what is good or bad. It is instant, and emotions are very high. It is pure dopamine.

Once she enters college—new people, new environment, new exposure—life suddenly feels more exciting.

Here is the trigger.

Now previous emotions start fading. A new crush begins, while the earlier relationship is still being maintained, but without real interest. Now she encounters men with higher status—cars, parties, social presence, confidence. These men become the center of attention. They are often known for multiple relationships, yet remain in high demand.

Earlier, this kind of dynamic was not even possible. Now it becomes almost acceptable. She also gets involved—while still maintaining the earlier relationship. This is the first encounter of parallel life. Once this cycle starts, it does not end easily.

Rapid relationship cycles begin. She tries to get the most desired man—the one everyone wants. But he is less available, difficult to secure. So secondary options come into play. Relationships continue, but satisfaction and commitment are missing.

Meanwhile, the earlier partner is almost out of the picture. In most cases, he does not understand what happened. He tries to fix things, puts in more effort—but nothing works. It never works.

New men appear far better than earlier ones. Over time, multiple cycles reduce emotional intensity. Physical attraction remains, but emotional attraction weakens. Dopamine no longer spikes the same way. Now attraction shifts more toward external layers—money, power, popularity.

She becomes willing to compromise on emotions and even physical appearance, as long as external stability is present. This phase runs through the twenties.

A clear pattern emerges:

1. One primary relationship—considered for marriage or long-term. Based on the best possible option she believes she can secure. Emotionally, the peak has already passed. It is now about stability.

2. Multiple secondary men—“orbiters.” They stay around, hoping for a chance. Sometimes they trigger emotions, but are mostly backups.

3. In some cases, a third dynamic—someone who provides resources, comfort, or lifestyle. Discreet, not universal, but present.

This phase is confused, unstable, and complex.

Between 30 to 35

Now a clear shift happens. Almost every woman wants to settle down. Outwardly she may say she has time, but internally she knows time is limited. Whether she has a good career or not, the need to settle increases. First option is the earlier primary partner. But if he has not become what was expected, that option fails. Now she actively searches for the “right man.”

In her view, the right man is:

• financially strong (job or business)

• emotionally stable

• caring

• loyal

• soft and adjustable

If she finds him, the mission is accomplished. If not, the process becomes more desperate, deeper, and exhausting. Over time, she starts lowering her parameters. By around 35, most get married. Some are left.

Those who remain often claim they chose freedom over compromise. But in many cases, the reality is different—the men they wanted did not accept their expectations. Ego, rigidity, and influence of modern ideologies make adjustment difficult.

Collapse after 35

After this, there is a clear divide—married or single.

Those who are married and call themselves happy are often not truly fulfilled. Not because something is wrong, but because life has become too stable, too predictable, too boring. Now memories of earlier excitement return.

After a few years of marriage, a new parallel layer begins—under the name of freedom and independence. Secret interactions, emotional or sometimes physical—widely present, though not always visible. These connections come from:

• past orbiters

• workplace

• gyms, hobbies

• social media

These relationships were never fully terminated. They were paused. Now they reappear in new forms. This phase is highly confusing and vulnerable. Now, attraction diversifies further:

• physical attraction ( Continue)

• emotional triggers

• intellectual depth

• spiritual pull

Many become attracted to intellectuals—thinkers, authors, speakers. There is also a strong pull toward spiritual figures. Not incidental—this reflects a deeper search for meaning. That is why in intellectual and spiritual spaces, a large presence of married women is often observed.

In this phase, multiple attractions exist in parallel.Even if not physically acted upon, mentally they are active—creating constant internal conflict.

For single women, the search continues until exhaustion. Eventually, there is silent acceptance of remaining single. They often become more vocal against men, strong supporters of feminist ideas. Outward resistance increases. But internally, the desire for the “right man” remains.

They are emotionally drained, physically less maintained, mentally scattered, spiritually exhausted—in many cases financially unstable too.

Total chaos.

Some channel themselves into social work, NGOs, activism. They are highly visible and vocal.But internally, conflict continues.

Core Analysis and Closure

This phenomenon continues sometimes till 50 or beyond. Married and single women follow different paths, but one thing remains common: internal chaos. In most cases, this chaos continues till death. Except for those who become intellectually evolved and spiritually aligned. Only then real fulfillment is possible. Otherwise, life remains externally managed but internally unresolved.

Core Reasons — Conflict Across 5 Layers

The instability does not come from randomness. It comes from structure. Attraction is not one-dimensional—it operates simultaneously across multiple layers, each driven by a different need, a different logic, and often a different direction. That is where the conflict begins.

At the external layer, attraction is linked to resources—money, power, popularity. Intellectually, this is often dismissed as shallow. Many claim it should not matter. But in reality, this layer is tied to security and survival, so it never disappears. A person may consciously value character over wealth, yet still feel drawn toward stability and status. This creates the first contradiction—what is believed versus what is felt.

At the physical layer, attraction is immediate and instinctive—appearance, body, presence. It requires no reasoning and acts instantly. But it is also unstable. What feels highly attractive in one phase can lose intensity with time or exposure. The same mind that seeks long-term consistency is driven by short-term visual pull. This creates tension between instant desire and sustained connection.

At the emotional layer, attraction becomes intense—love, affection, praise, validation, comparison. This is where dopamine peaks. But this layer does not favor stability. Calm and predictable partners start feeling dull, while emotionally intense dynamics feel alive, even if chaotic. So there is a constant pull between peace and excitement, and both rarely come from the same person.

At the intellectual layer, attraction deepens through conversation, thinking, and perspective. It builds slowly but lasts longer. However, intellectual compatibility creates respect and value. A person who can be admired, valued, even trusted— the attraction is natural. But intellectual person cant be easily. His continuous absence creates tension.

At the spiritual layer, the deepest one, attraction shifts toward meaning, purpose, and inner alignment. It encourages detachment, contentment, and acceptance. But this directly conflicts with biological and emotional drives. Even when someone understands the idea of contentment, the pull of desire does not disappear. Knowing and feeling remain misaligned.

When all these layers operate together, they do not align—they compete. One seeks stability, another seeks excitement, another seeks meaning, another seeks survival. No single person can consistently satisfy all of them. So attraction becomes divided and compartmentalized. One person fulfills one layer, another fulfills another. Even when committed to one, other layers remain active in the background.

This is the root of complexity, instability, and self-deception. Not because attraction is false—but because it is layered, conflicting, and impossible to fully resolve in a single direction.

Male Attraction — Core Point

Male attraction is far more direct and linear. The primary trigger is feminine traits—physical beauty, softness, and presence. It is visual, immediate, and remains consistent across age. Unlike layered attraction, it does not depend on alignment across multiple dimensions to activate. The loyalty decides the longevity of the relationship, but core attraction remains the same. Because of this, the signal remains clear. There is less internal conflict, less shifting between layers, and less contradiction.

Complex attraction doesn’t just create conflict—it breaks internal clarity. The way out isn’t denial, but understanding- see the layers, see the contradictions, and realign before they start defining you.

By: Rajan Veda